What is Couples, Marriage & Relationship Counselling?
Before addressing the question of what is couples’ counselling, it may be helpful to begin by answering the question of what is counselling? Counselling, also known as psychotherapy, is a therapeutic relationship that is usually engaged in by two people; the client, who is seeking support or assistance with a challenge in their life, and the therapist or counsellor, who is there to provide the process in which the therapeutic relationship is established. The goal of therapy is to help the client meet their individual goals, whatever they may be. Individual counselling can be beneficial for anyone, and is not just for people that have been diagnosed with a mental disorder, although that is typically who gets referred for counselling. Common reasons to seek counselling include, but are not limited to: self-growth, feeling stuck, trouble dealing with stress, difficulty connecting to emotions, not feeling yourself, physical or emotional trauma, any suffering that you are experiencing, and relationship issues.
Couples counselling is a form of therapy that concentrates on meeting the relational goals of a couple, so the relationship of the couple is what is being explored. It is for couples that are struggling in some way; distress, escalation, or lots of arguments; infidelity or betrayal; disconnection or disengagement; one or both partners struggling with some form of addiction; or a couple just wanting to increase the already good bond that they have by connecting in a deeper way.
It can be very scary to think of coming in for couples counselling. Common fears include: the relationship getting worse; finding out things about your partner that you do not want to know; opening up to your partner and to a stranger; that what is talked about will not be kept confidential; that the therapist will judge any part of you; that you will be in therapy forever; that it will cost a fortune; or simply, that it does not work and you will remain stuck in your current situation.
When you come in for couples counselling, everything that is shared remains completely confidential. Counsellors are trained to fully accept everyone that they come across. They are here to help you in your relationship, and their only goal is to help your relationship thrive. Therapists that use evidence-based approaches have a 75% success rate to fully rehabilitate relationships in only 8-12 sessions, which is considered a short term therapy. This change is not limited to a few days, weeks, or even years, but for a lifetime, because the shifts that happen, change who you are at a deep level. You will be rewired and even how you remember and experience your childhood will be transformed.
Confronting the couples issue(s) in therapy is usually a scary task, which is why I am amazed and inspired by the couples that courageously come in to see me. What is often scarier, is sweeping the problem under the rug. This usually results in the problem continuously coming up in repetitive conversations that seem to go nowhere. Eventually, living in a relationship where you feel alone or trapped or continually running into cycles and escalations that keep occurring is not sustainable and may lead to a lifeless relationship or an unfortunate end. The costs of this are so high, with suffering on both sides, and there is never a winner, especially when kids are involved.
The goal of couples counselling is to experience a shift in the dynamic of the relationship from blaming to understanding; from the dance of pursue and withdrawal to reaching vulnerably and being met with compassion and support. Reaching out to your partner in a vulnerable way takes a lot of courage, and together, we work to increase safety on both sides, so that we can truly see and hear what is under the anger, the criticism, the shutting down, the defensiveness and the withdrawing. Through the process of understanding the cycles you currently get lost in and risking to share what is underneath the behavior, you can have the safety, connection, and love that you had always wished for.
